I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
