don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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