you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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