She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
