This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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