She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
