Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
