the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize