i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
