Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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