Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
