I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
