When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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