It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize