my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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