I think I won the penis lottery.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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