Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't turn off my feet"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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