i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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