I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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