he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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