If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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