The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
