Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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