My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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