god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
