I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
