she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
