He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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