She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
