On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
