I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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