I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
