She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
