So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
