just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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