youre lurking in front of me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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