Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
