Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
