I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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