One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
