i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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