During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize