If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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