I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
