i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
