Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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