the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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