I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
