I wish you could order shots online.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
