mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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