Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
