My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
