i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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