Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the night ended with taco bell and tears
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
