I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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