ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
