I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
