Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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