cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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