im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
