i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
