I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
