So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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