My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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