i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
