why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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