david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
