If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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