so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize