I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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