Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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