I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
