No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
