You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize