I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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