where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
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