plz talk dirty to me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
