I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Drunk is not a location!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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