Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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