I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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